rowdy girl

fearless heart.

"The battlefield is strewn with broken lives......torn and tattered in the struggle to survive.  But i will not be a casualty of this war i didn't start....i'll fight with a fearless heart."

Buh-Bye Facebook :(

im on my own now

THIS IS FOR YOU, CAT.

this is gonna be raw. really raw.

AUTHENTIC.

100%  AUTHENTIC........to thine own self be true....right??!?!

here goes........

i need to tell you about my friend, Cat.....and i dont need to say her last name because if you know me, then you know "the story".....and if u dont know the story then GOOD.....I AM SO GLAD, and this isn't really addressed to you anyways.....but you can keep reading if you want.......actually i REALLY hope you do.

i attended a seminar last weekend.......kind of like "self-help."

i went with no other intention than maybe a little peace of mind and a better nights sleep.......BUT, what i learned will change my life forever......and i discovered things and saw things about myself that i never even knew were there......AND things that i never even knew were MISSING.

the word that comes to mind is ENLIGHTENED......enlightened in the MOST LITERAL sense......LIKE I LITERALLY FEEL LIGHTER!

i feel like i shed over 2000 pounds last weekend that i know for sure was baggage......baggage and "weight" that i had been carrying around with me for so long.....and weighted down with.....and burdened with.....and never even knew it was there.....until it was gone......ALL of it was gone........and boy did i feel FREE.......and LIGHT!!!!!

almost weightless......and powerful.....really, really powerful!

and when you feel that kind of power the possibilities are endless........and thats exactly what i did for myself at this seminar.....i created possibilities for my life and for the future.....and one of the possibilities that i created for myself was FREEDOM!

to be FREE from the PAST......not to forget the past or anything like that.....definitely not......there are just SO many wonderful things that are in my past that i would hate to EVER forget......BUT JUST TO BE FREE FROM MY PAST...........

COMPLETE my past and have ownership of my past.......create space for a really bright, and fulfilling future......

.....all of a sudden, it wasnt even hard to do the really scary things anymore......because you start to realize that the more you try and hold on to your past and try to change the past.....the more you carry it with you......and then the past REALLY never goes away.....and "THE PAST" is just the past and thats all it will ever be....it doesnt dictate the future thats for sure and its definitely not gonna keep me from living a really extraordinary life.

its time to COMPLETE my past.

SO THIS IS FOR YOU CAT AND FOR EVERYONE ELSE "OUT THERE" (and i know there are many of you..........) that have been affected by this......and affected by me....and i really need to take responsibility for my actions, my words, my judgments, and even just my thoughts.....that somehow transpired into pointless and meaningless conversation that only assigned blame, shame, and fault.......AND, i have already had a conversation with Cat personally......and it was one of the most beautiful conversations that i have ever had.....she is beautiful and humble and radiant and honest and she will forever be a part of my heart......

i love cat.

i dont blame her and i regret so deeply the time i spent justifying what happened.

im truly sorry for making her wrong to so many of you.....and especially sorry to her.

my wish for Cat is to have nothing but LOVE and HAPPINESS and BLESSINGS in her life.................truly, she has a wonderful heart and the most genuine spirit.

as for my life.......i FINALLY feel the freedom to create a new future for myself.......and by future i mean this VERY NEXT MOMENT.......AND THE MOMENT AFTER THAT AND THE MOMENT AFTER THAT......

i have created freedom and the possibility of a genuinely fulfilling life.......WHAT WILL YOU CREATE?

xoxo kat

F.A.T.H.E.R.S.

F - FAITHFUL!  "Let us hold fast the profession of our faith without wavering.” Hebrews 10:23

A - ALWAYS THERE!  "For he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.”  Hebrews 13:5

T - TRUSTWORTHY!  "There hath not failed one word of all his good promises.” 1 Kings 8:56

H - HONORING!  "If any man serve me, let him follow me; and where I am, there shall also my servant be; if any man serve me, him will my Father honor.” John 12:26

E - EVERLASTING LOVE!  "I have loved thee with an everlasting love; therefore, with loving kindness have I drawn thee.” Jeremiah 31:3

R - RIGHTEOUS!  "The Lord is righteous in all his ways and holy in all his works.” Psalm 145:17

S - SUPPORTIVE!  "Fear thou not; for I am with thee. Be not dismayed; for I am thy God. I will strengthen thee; I will help thee; yea, I will uphold these with the right hand of my righteousness.” Isaiah 41:10     happy FATHERS DAY to my daddy and my baby daddy :) xoxo kat

 

TRUE

this post is titled TRUE.
because lately.......
true things are hard to find.
TRUE FRIENDS.
TRUE FEELINGS.
TRUE PASSION.
AND EVEN.........
being TRUE to yourself.

everything is just getting really mumbled & jumbled up inside. i hate it.

and i feel like that last one......being true to yourself..........is the hardest thing to find.

like.....

i feel like being TRUE TO YOURSELF should be SO EASY.........

but for some reason......right now.....its not.

and.......i just wonder all the time........what's right and what's wrong?

whatever the case may be.......i feel like there's this war going on inside my head......and im watching it all happen from the outside.......and i know for sure that IM FEELING it all happen on the inside........and RIGHT NOW....right this VERY moment.......it's hard. and it hurts.

maybe its not hard for some of you........but its sure been hard for me lately.

AND.......

im not talking about "FINDING YOURSELF" either.......i actually HATE that expression........like what does that EVEN mean?!?!?!?

what im talking about.........is just BEING TRUE.

TRUE to yourself.

TRUE to your heart.

TRUE TO YOUR GUT!!!!!

no secret ingredients......just plain & simple, right?!?!?!?

BUT......

what is the TRUEST FORM OF TRUE?

does it mean always doing what you have been told to do..........so you feel like a really good girl...........and at the end of the day someone might say really great job today EVEN though inside you are just burning with passion for something bigger and better and GREATER..............and hearing REALLY GREAT JOB......and WELL DONE or YOU DID THE RIGHT THING.........is all of a sudden just a huge CURSE and CONFLICTION and misconception and just a really BIG misunderstanding???

because...........

all of a sudden....you LONG for something MORE.

something greater......bolder & stronger......and most of all, TRUER!

something that no one could EVER say WELL DONE for.......because what you long for is way too great and wonderful and powerful.....and to this day, there has never even been a word created that is big enough.......or strong enough....or EVEN powerful enough to encompass the greatness and the boldness of your beautiful passion.

AND..........

MAYBE no one has ever told you that it was OK to be passionate about this "TRUE-ness", or this "THING" (for lack of a better word) that you are longing for......

OR.........EVEN WORSE.....maybe someone specifically told you NOT to do this "THING".

AND MAYBE........you don't even know what this "THING"  is.

and all you know is that you are longing for it.....and that you HAVE passion and you feel it burning inside you and its there FOR SURE and its something that you have ALWAYS felt........

.......maybe the only reason you even have for never doing this really great and passionate thing is because no one  "APPROVED" it.....or told you that you were "ALLOWED" to do it.............or even allowed to think it for that matter!

so then all of a sudden you weren't so sure anymore.

and you also knew in advance that you would NOT get a WELL DONE or a REALLY GREAT JOB at the end of the day......from anyone.........and not because what you're thinking or feeling is wrong or hurtful or harmful or anything like that.........

but just because no one could EVER know what you are feeling or thinking or burning for........EXCEPT FOR YOU......SO.......it would be utterly impossible for anyone to commend you or not to commend you......approve or disapprove..........because were talking about feeling here.

gut feelings.

and passion.......

FEELINGS are TRUE........and you could never EVER put approval on passion.

AND.............

MORE IMPORTANTLY.........WHY IN THE WORLD DO WE EVEN NEED "APPROVAL".....or "COMMENDING" in the first place?!?!?

AND MAYBE......................................

TRUE (in its purest form) is just DOING IT ANYWAYS........doing what you feel even though you might think you're the only person on this earth that has ever felt that way......and maybe you really are the one only person that has ever felt that way.......and thats OK.....it doesnt matter......DO IT ANYWAYS........cause i believe that is being TRUE.

AND......i think......being true has  A LOT to do with being brave......brave enough to do the things that you feel and the things that you think and the things that you believe to be true.......even if you're alone and even when you're scared.....just always doing it anyways......and just listening to your body and your whole soul and listening to god always and his gentle promptings......and listening to your heart too.

just doing what YOU believe is TRUE.....in your heart, in your gut, and in your quiet and most solace hour of prayer................

DECIDE TO BE TRUE, its what i am trying to do!

xoxo kat

PUBLIC APOLOGY

to my dear friends, family, and the whole wide world of bloggers:

this is a VERY public apology.
i would like to apologize publicly for my very noticeable absence........and not just from the blogging world either.......a far more important world........the most important world of all in this life.........the world of ALL my relationships.
my closest relationships, too. that's the worst part.
absent from my friendships...............and i hate to even say this out loud.......but absent from my near & dear family as well.
im about to get real personal with you and tell you why.....even though there is absolutely no good excuse IN THE WORLD that would ever come close to making me feel any better about any of this........or that would ever justify my actions in ANY WAY over the past couple of months.....i just need you all to know that I KNOW THAT.......that my absence is inexcusable. i know that.
but here goes.........
and you can take it or leave it, too.....i just need to say this NOW.
right now.
i feel absent. like the phrase "the lights are on, but there's nobody home."
usually this phrase is referring to stupidity.
i don't feel stupid. not even close.
i don't feel anything.
i feel ABSENT.
most of the time i don't know what to say.
and if i do think of something to say.......i can never figure out exactly how to say it.
so i don't say anything at all.
and most of the time i don't know what to do or where to go. so i don't go anywhere.
this is all coming out way too morbid.
i have lots of happy days i promise, LOTS & LOTS.......that i spend with just me and Cruz. he is my saving grace.
but.......on the sad days......and the terribly "I FEEL ABSENT" days........i spend a lot of time just feeling sorry for all of you......for every friend that i didn't call back that day......or the past couple of days.......and all the texts and emails that go unanswered because really, like i said before.......i don't even know what to say. or how to say it. or how to even FEEL it. i feel sorry for every family gathering i missed because i just couldn't stand the thought of leaving the house that day.......and i worry about what questions i might get asked by someone that might not "know whats going on".......and even worse, i would never EVER want to hurt anyones feelings that really just had the best intentions of  trying to make conversation.
so......im just trying to say SORRY.
because i know there is no way of knowing every single person that i have offended though all of this.......but for the life of me i wish i did.......because there have been many and i would love nothing more than to say I AM SO SORRY, personally & individually to you and maybe someday i will be granted that wish......and that would be amazing........but all i know right now is that im sorry.........and im trying to say sorry the best way i know how and with a really broken heart and with a HUGE prayer of forgiveness, too.

im sorry if i have hurt you or offended you or said the wrong thing at the wrong time or missed your birthday or forgot to call you when i said i would or didn't show up when i said for sure id be there or maybe just didn't even do anything at all and it was just my ABSENCE that hurt you. IM SORRY.......and my only hope (should God be so gracious) is that someday you can forgive me and have mercy on my soul and compassion on my heart.......but most of all, just patience and understanding.......understanding for when you think upon the past.......and patience for when you are thinking upon the future.
and it is with the greatest humility that i offer this public apology because really........i am asking you to accept my ALL my shortcomings.....AND all my faults......and with no better explanation than................. "I FEEL ABSENT."

I am SO sorry.

SO TRULY sorry.

xoxo
kat

motivation = inspiration

so the other day i was talking to one of my friends.

i was saying how lately i feel anything but motivated. even to do the little things.

he was explaining to me that everyone lacks motivation because motivation is only a power of this world....and what i really need to grasp is the power of inspiration.............which is a heavenly power and a DIVINE power that can only come from god.........

it makes sense, though.

if you think about it, what can we really do by ourselves???

with god we can do anything.

by ourselves, nothing.

which is why i ALWAYS want to live an inspired life.....

i want to live with inspiration.

i want to lead with inspiration.

and i want to follow inspiration.

.......and with inspiration, comes motivation. simple as that!

xoxo

kat

Just Let Me Cry by Hilary Weeks

 

image: http://www.elfwood.com/art/a/r/arwyn/broken_heart.jpg.html 

 

Just Let Me Cry

 

I believe that everything happens for a reason.

We’re not just tossed by the wind,

or left in the hands of fate.

But sometimes life sends a storm that’s unexpected.

And we’re forced to face our deepest pain.

When I feel the heartache begin to pull me under...

I dig my heels in deep,

and I fight to keep my ground.

Still, at times the hurt inside grows stronger.

And there’s nothing I can do but let out...

Just let me cry.

I know it’s hard to see.

But the pain I feel isn’t going away today.

Just let me cry.

Till every tear has fallen.

Don’t ask when...

and don’t ask why.

Just let me cry.

When I agreed that God could put this heart inside me.

I understood that there would be a chance that it would break.

But I know He knows exactly how I’m feeling...

And I know in time He’ll take the pain away.

But for now...

Just let me cry.

I know it’s hard to see.

But the pain I feel isn’t going away today.

Just let me cry.

Till every tear has fallen.

Don’t ask when...

and don’t ask why.

Just let me cry.

I have felt joy,

the kind that makes my heart want to sing.

And so my tears are not a surrender,

I’ll feel that way again.

But for now...

For this moment...

Just let me cry.

I know it’s hard to see.

But the pain I feel.

Isn’t going away today.

Just let me cry.

Till every tear has fallen.

Don’t ask when...

and don’t ask why.

Just let me cry.

JUST KIDDING!!!

ok, so i know i just officially decided.....BUT......REALLY.....what im gonna do.....from now on......when i answer your questions.....im gonna post it right here ---------------------------------------------->

it just makes more sense to have it in a column all of its own....at least that's what my sister told me :)

xoxo kat

"guessing GIRL"

hey guys, im still working on all your wonderful questions and i have another one for today, too. i just really didn't know i would get so many questions....AND i REALLY don't mind either.....promise!

BUT, i just officially decided that FROM NOW ON......when im going to go on this Q&A spree with all of you.....im gonna title the post "guessing GIRL".

because really......that's all this really is.

im just guessing.

........just a GUESS!

im not an expert by any stretch of the imagination......and i will never ever claim to be, either.

BUT

i will guess. i am more than happy to give you my opinion. the way i see things......that's all.

sound good??? i hope so.....cause i already officially decided!

xoxo kat

1/28/09 2:43 PM

"Could you please give us a run down of your work outs?  We would love to know how you keep in such great shape."

me: sure. i do something every day that makes me sweat! usually just running on the treadmill at 1% incline for 20 or 30 minutes. i feel like i don't need to do much for my legs cause i run so much and i should probably be doing more!!! BUT, when i do workout my legs the only thing i ever do is FROG JUMPS. i learned about frog jumps from Heidi Klum. i read an article once where she said the only thing she ever does for her legs are frog jumps. i was sold. for upper body i LOVE push-ups. push-ups are great because there a compound movement which means u engage more than one muscle group at a time. you will also burn more calories when u do compound movements......i HIGHLY recommend push-ups for anyone who wants to build a defined chest, sexy shoulders, and strong triceps all at the same time. i also do the basic stuff like bicep curls, tricep extensions, and lateral raises.........but i am always doing my push-ups or taking a lap around the track in between sets.....gotta keep the heart rate up!